Oh man, I am so tired. Another 16 hour day today, just like the yesterday and the day before that and every day before that since I can remember. Why all the 16 hour days? Well, first there’s the day job; then I rush over towards the theater and eat a dinner that’s either a sandwich from Starbucks, a Lunchables, or nothing because I don’t have time or forget to eat; then it’s a rehearsal and/or class and/or show(s); then I OBVIOUSLY have to go out for “one drink” after because if I don’t I’ll miss something awesome and feel anxious about it. Yes, Mom, I’m totally making sure I’m getting enough sleep. I know, and I told you, I’m not burning the candle at both ends. Well, if I could make a living doing improvisational comedy, I would, but I can’t. Because it’s really difficult to do. Very few people do. I told you, it’s normal not to get paid to do improv and the sooner you and Dad believe me about that, the better a mood I’ll be in at Thanksgiving. Yes, I promise I know what I’m doing with my life. I have never been more sure of anything. I completely have things under control, Mom, I promise. I know what I’m doing with my life. I have a handle on things!!!
…Anyway, I can’t wait to get home and go to sleep after I watch bullshit TV for too long and fall asleep on the couch before falling asleep in bed. And this is one of those nights when I want to just sleep alone - it’s one of those rare nights where I don’t want to be spooning with a hot musician and could give a shit if my aloof cat wants to come cuddle or not. I want to sprawl, face down, in the position of a skydiver with my head just buried in my pillows. Solo sleep. That’s what I need.
Only here’s the thing, Bugs Are Dicks readers: you’re never sleeping alone. Any time you are in a bed, you are with anywhere between 10,000 to 10 million dust mites.
For the rest of this entry, try not to look at the above picture, but rather try to imagine the dust mites like this, because it could prevent you from going insane:
Don’t say I never gave you anything.
There are a lot of reasons why I never, ever should have written this, mostly because this blog is called “Bugs Are Dicks” and in my head, bug=insect, and dust mites aren’t insects. They have 8 legs and belong in the spider family, specifically the genus Dermatophagoides, which means “skin-eater!” Isn’t that pleasant? That said, dust mites aren’t spiders, either, because they only have one body segment. They are a stupid microscopic half-bug, belonging nowhere, accepted by no one in the general bug world. Well, nowhere except for in mass numbers in your mattress and pillows and furniture and carpet.
I know what you’re thinking. “Why, oh god why? Please, for the love of everything decent in the world, why? What could possess science to create such horrible, horrible things? All I want to do is hold a knife to my neck now. Maybe press it into the skin a little bit… just a little bit… just to see how it feels, to see if it feels better than I do right now. Maybe I’ll sit naked, legs apart, on my electric stove and turn it on, waiting for it to get to its highest temperature, just to feel something other than this. Please. Please make this end.” And I’m sorry. But this is the magnitude of the dickishness dust mites bring with them, and if we all live together, you might as well know what the deal is. So here it is.
DIET: They live in our beds and couches because they eat our dead skin flakes. If you have a pet, they also live there, because your pet has skin too. Your baby’s crib? Yep. Anywhere where anything with skin hangs out for extended periods of time, that’s their fucking wheelhouse.
MOLTING: Their skin is hard, so they molt a number of times as they grow, leaving their molted skins all over your favorite things. So for each of the potentially 10 million dust mites you have in your mattress, there are multiple molted shells everywhere also. Just shells of dust mites. Just in your bed.
POOP: They eat your dead skin flakes and then poop ‘em out in your bed. A LOT. And if that’s not enough, their poop causes asthma. So when some poor bastard kid has an asthma attack on a soccer field, it’s because of dust mites. Their poop also causes allergies - have a “dust allergy?” That’s cute that you think it’s actually because of the dust. It’s because of their skin poop.
MATING: This wouldn’t be a Bugs Are Dicks without the mating bit, and if you’re thinking dust mites fall into the Creep category of bug sex, you are super correct! This weird website I’m reading right now says that the male dust mites are “so anxious to mate” that they often grab premature females - sometimes when they’re barely out of the larva stage - and use their enlarged first and third pairs of legs to HOLD ON TO HER UNTIL SHE MATURES AND IS READY TO MATE and then promptly MATE WITH HER. It’s like a grown man kidnapping a 4th grade girl and keeping her in his basement until she gets her period and then bangs her once and lets her go, which I think we can all agree is A HORRIFIC FUCKING NIGHTMARE. But it’s happening. In your bed. Every night. Millions of times.
I think the case is closed, and the verdict is FUCK THESE RAPEY ASSHOLES IN THEIR FACES.
Now, the big question is do I have any friends left?